April Showers
I know it's been quite a while since I last posted, and I'm sorry about that, truly. Things have been rough lately, and it's not until now I've truly felt like I could post, or that I even wanted to.
It started around the beginning of April, and I usually get into a bit of a funk on April the 1st after years of unwanted pranks and jokes that really aren't that funny. It's not as if I don't like it, or can't appreciate the jokes that people come up with; I genuinely enjoy harmless fun, and Tati released an absolutely amazing makeup tutorial on the 1st that I enjoyed thoroughly. I suppose part of it is that I'm fearful, apprehensive of a joke that I will inevitably be the butt of. Maybe I'm just secretly salty over all these jokes I've never had the creativity to come up with.
Whatever the case, the 1st came and went, and Autism Awareness month rolled around. For whatever reason, I decided I was going to make daily Instagram posts with the hashtag #autismacceptance, and for a few days it was going rather well. And then I noticed my follower count dropping.
Don't get me wrong, I've never put much weight into my follower count. I've never had an enormous following, but I've always had enough that I'm mindful of what I say, generally. This was the first time I've lost followers for something that frankly, I didn't think was entirely controversial. I was openly loving myself as an autistic adult, spreading awareness and acceptance for common traits of autism that are less commonly talked about and understood. Apparently, this is too much for some people -- this is something I have known, but evidently had forgotten.
I withdrew almost immediately after this realization, and I got into this habit of just playing video games daily. It's always been a coping mechanism for me, but it became especially unhealthy over the past few weeks. I was increasingly aware of the fact that it was all I was doing; I was just getting up, sitting at my computer desk, and doing nothing.
I genuinely don't know if I gained weight at all this month, but it certainly felt like it. My stomach hasn't agreed with literally anything I eat lately, healthy or otherwise, and I bloated a fair bit. Self esteem took a nosedive, and I hit the lowest point I'd reached in a while.
And then the clock rolled over into Friday, and suddenly I felt so much better, better than I had in days, weeks, months. It was as if I had gained the clarity to understand why I was upset, and what I could do to fix it. My answer to all my problems? Tea.
Now, I understand this seems a bit of an odd solution to what is very clearly my mental illness rearing its ugly head, but let me explain. In the last few months, my physical appearance has been contributing to my general terrible outlook on ... everything, really. My skin's still a nightmare after taking SugarBear, and in addition to being bloated I've just felt tired, uninspired, and awful. I used to drink a lot of tea a year or two ago, and truthfully I don't know why I stopped.
My tea of the moment seems to be green tea, in varying varieties; matcha, green tea with lemon, green tea with ginger... no, that last one was a mistake, I don't think those two flavours agree with one another on my palette. I've already noticed a huge difference in my skin, and I'm definitely feeling a lot less bloated. How am I feeling emotionally? I'm still feeling okay. I'm enjoying myself for the first time in a long time, and... I'm making art again.
Which brings me to another important point in this increasingly long, drawn-out blog post. I'm changing my Patreon settings to charge patrons whenever I create content. As it currently stands, I still don't know what I want to work on next, and I am still in the sort of anxious mindset where I'm wary of taking on large projects for when this good mood phase inevitably takes a turn.
For now, I'm just sort of trying to figure out a rhythm that works for me. Drinking tea multiple times a day, trying (and failing) to sleep at night, and drawing more. A lot more. In the last few days I think I've drawn about six or seven separate things, and I've got plans for much more. So we'll see how that goes.
Until then,
DJ
