This Morning
I woke up at nine because of the pain. I went to the bathroom, took two extra strength acetaminophen, went back to bed. Couldn't fall back asleep, the pain kept me awake. Partner heated up Sir Waddlesworth's* heat pouch, curled up for a while. Went to heat it up a second time, left the bedroom so partner could sleep. Had a cup of tea. After being in constant pain for an hour and a half, the pain meds finally kicked in, and I passed out on the couch.
I try very hard not to exaggerate my medical conditions. I grew up being accused of faking my illnesses -- even when I was literally in the hospital having an asthma attack, or I was in anaphylactic shock. It's funny, but even when your blood pressure drops past the point of hypotension, you still get accused of "faking it". (Yes, this was a real situation where a nurse decided treating me could wait until after she'd interrogated my mother to prove whether or not I was actually as sick as we said I was.)
I still don't know why this happens. It's been going on for about seven years now, and as of yet my doctor has not been able to offer any sort of concrete answer as to why I get these "episodes" where the pain in my abdomen is so bad, I cannot even sit up, let alone stand, without blacking out. Endometriosis has been tossed around, but as anyone whose fought that battle before understands, that diagnosis is hard to come by. Despite the fact that this has occurred even when my iron levels are optimal, my doctor insists that anemia is the cause of this debilitating pain.
It's not even just the pain, because truthfully, I would suck it up if it was only that. It is the fact that in these moments, I am completely vulnerable and I rely on those around me to take care of me. When I cannot stand to even get to the phone to call for help, I am worried. This has happened before while I was alone, pouring boiling water, and my vision went black. You might be able to understand why this worried me and my loved ones.
This post is not really meant to make anyone feel bad, to garner sympathy for something I don't yet understand about my body. If anything, I share this only to help you understand why it is difficult for me and other chronic pain sufferers to do normal, everyday things. Most days, I am fine, and I can function more or less normally. However, on days like today, where after an hour and a half of constant pain I don't even have the energy to stay conscious, I am useless. I couldn't even get myself what I needed to alleviate the pain, let alone perform average daily tasks. I am trying to be a normal human, please be patient with me.
Until then,
DJ
*Sir Waddlesworth is the nickname lovingly bestowed upon my aromahome "Hot Hugs" duck, which I will be writing a review on soon because of how much it has helped me.
